How to never apologize to a trans person
Apologies are the worst. No one likes to make them, no one even really likes receiving them. Apologies can be awkward, defensive, and uncomfortable. The best apology is the one you don’t have to make. Especially when it comes to trans people.
It's totally possible to have a trans kid or coworker or neighbor or friend or student without messing the whole thing up.
Before someone you love or work with comes out to you, you can prepare yourself to get it right. This is the time when stakes are low. Now is when you have room to learn, space to mess up, and time to have fun without worrying about hurting someone’s feelings or needing to put your best apology forward. It just takes a little work and a lot of practice.
Pronouns
Using different pronouns is usually a trans person’s very first step coming out as trans. Some will add a pronoun, announcing they are now using she or they because that’s what feels good. And sometimes a person will use a whole new pronoun and not want anything to do with their old pronoun at all. Like me. I use they/them pronouns and don’t ever want to hear someone use she/her for me even though those are the pronouns I was given.
Using new pronouns can be hard for people to get used to. But hard is different than impossible. With practice, it's totally possible to handle the pronoun switcheroo without mistakes.
Get a plant! Give the plant a name and they/them pronouns and practice talking about the plant. We have a plant named Fiona. They don't like to be watered much.
Pronouns in a hat! At dinner, you can pick a pronoun out of a hat for each member of your family and all practice using that pronoun while you eat together.
Talk behind my back! You're not supposed to talk about people behind their backs, but I'm giving you permission this time. When alone in the car, talk about a friend and give them a different pronoun. Or talk lots about me. Say anything you want, just use my pronouns a bunch and you'll get it. It's silly, but it works.
Getting pronouns right is always worth the work.
Names and Deadnaming
Trans people often change their names to go by something that aligns with their identity. My kid stopped calling me Mommy when I first came out and now calls me Apa, a neutral parent name we like. I didn't change my birth name when coming out though, because it still fits for me. That's not the case for lots of trans people.
A trans person’s birth name is called a “deadname” if they decide to take a new name when coming out as trans. Using a trans person's deadname may not feel like much to you, especially if you've known them for a long time with that name, but it's really hard on folks to be deadnamed. But the idea of changing names is not new. People change their names all the time.
When people get married, they might change their last name or middle name. Growing up, you might drop a nickname that no longer fits. Those changes are about identity too. Sometimes practice is just thinking all of this through.
Make a list of people you know who have changed their names
Ask people you know if they have a different name they may prefer. People may surprise you with a nickname or even a new name you haven't been using for them.
Practice calling family members or the family pet by a new name for a few days for fun. My kid went to a summer camp that had the kids try on new chosen names for the week. One kid went by Toilet and everyone adjusted right away. We are capable of these adjustments, we just need to be intentional.
Gendered Language
If you get out of the habit of using gendered language now, it helps a lot when you need to use inclusive language. Use parents instead of moms and dads. Folks instead of ladies and gentlemen. Get creative. When my kid was little, we made a chart with three columns: boy, neutral, girl, and filled it up with a bunch of words we were already familiar with. Teacher, doctor, employee, friend, relative.We know and use neutral language all the time.
Try to categorize a list of words by gender, it's more fun on a giant piece of poster board.
Practice using gender neutral words for people you encounter. Example, "Did anyone see our mail carrier yet today?"
Make a list of gendered language and come up with fun alternatives. Instead of ladies and gentlemen, you could say guys, gals, and nonbinary pals or our esteemed guests. This can be a fun one in a group to come up with the most creative replacements.
